Should I Move Out of the Family Home After Separation?

The relationship may be over, but deciding who leaves the family home is rarely quite that simple.

When there are children involved, parenting arrangements have not yet been agreed and neither person has necessarily worked out where they will live next, moving out can affect more than where you sleep.

One of the questions we are often asked is: my ex is pressuring me to move out. Should I go, or should I stay?

There is no single arrangement that works for every family. Depending on how amicable things are and whether everyone feels safe, there may be a few options worth considering before either person makes that move.

You can be separated and still live in the same home

Separation does not always require one person to move out immediately.

It is possible to remain living in the family home while separated, often referred to as being separated under the one roof. You might sleep in separate bedrooms and begin living more independently within the same property while you work through what happens next.

Where children are involved, this can also give both parents time to negotiate parenting arrangements before one person leaves.

That can matter because, in our experience, when one parent moves out before anything has been agreed, the parent who remains living with the children can sometimes have more influence over what those early time arrangements look like.

If the relationship is amicable enough to do so, remaining separated under the one roof for a period can give you time to agree on a parenting plan first. Then, when someone does move out, you already know what time with the children is going to look like.

Another option is a nesting arrangement

For some families, the children staying in the family home while the parents move in and out can work well.

This is often called a nesting arrangement.

One parent might leave the house for a set period while the other parent stays there with the children. They then swap, so the children keep the same home base and it is the parents who move around.

It is not going to suit every separation. It generally requires a reasonably amicable and flexible co-parenting relationship.

Where it does work, it can give children some consistency while everyone adjusts to the separation. They stay in familiar surroundings and continue spending time with each parent without immediately having to move between two homes.

What if I want my ex to leave?

If you want the children to remain in the family home but your former partner will not leave, the first option may simply be asking.

Where lawyers are involved, we would normally start by asking the other person through their lawyer whether they are prepared to move out.

If they are not, and there are no safety concerns preventing you from remaining together temporarily, living separately under the one roof may still be an option while you work through the longer-term arrangements.

There are also circumstances where you can ask the Family Court for what is called an exclusive occupation order.

An exclusive occupation order can allow one person to remain living in the home and exclude the other person from returning.

The court can look at circumstances such as the interests of children living in the property and the financial position of each person. For example, one person may not be able to afford alternative accommodation while the other has greater capacity to meet their own living expenses.

What if I do not feel safe living together?

That is a different situation.

If there has been violence, threats or you have genuine concerns for your safety, an ADVO may include conditions preventing your former partner from coming to the home or coming near you.

That is different from an exclusive occupation order.

An ADVO is intended to protect a person where there are allegations of violence or threats. An exclusive occupation order may be considered where there is not necessarily domestic violence, but continuing to live together has become unworkable and one person wants to remain in the property.

Before you decide whether to stay or go

Moving out can feel like the obvious next step after separation. Sometimes it is.

But particularly where children are involved, it is worth thinking about what the parenting arrangements will look like once that happens.

You may be able to remain separated under the one roof while you agree on a parenting plan. A nesting arrangement might work for your family. Or there may be circumstances where one person needs to seek an order to remain in the property.

The important thing is not to assume that separation automatically means you need to pack a bag and leave immediately. There may be more than one way to manage the period between separating and establishing what life looks like next.